Confessing this aloud will only bring me to tears, I’m glad these are only words on a screen that I’ll never have to actually speak. There is a downfall to being, as I nicely call myself, a Hopeless Romantic. The kind of person that processes everything in emotions intensely, from the very deepest core of their soul. There’s no doubting that my heart trumps my brain in any given circumstance, which is not always a very good thing. Actually, it’s more like it’s very rarely a good thing. There’s been many a consequence for what I’ve jumped into headfirst based on what my heart is saying to my brain. It’s damaged many, if not all of my relationships for as long as I can remember. Relationships beyond the scope of dating, into those with friends & family, co-workers & other acquaintances I meet along the way. People don’t stay in my life very long, they all leave once they see the chaos of beautiful mess behind the smile I wear as a mask.
Constantly, I find myself either replaying or recreating various scenes that hold the most meaning or had the largest impact on my life, bad & good, like a broken record in my head cuz it feels good. I fantasize of all that I really want to come to be out of the many messages in a bottle I’ve thrown to sea in hopes they reach someone who can truly understand & speak my code. I’m ALWAYS reaching out in some way, searching for the next big feeling to come along & help to fill the bottomless pit of empty space within me. The pit that feeds on these overpowering emotions of mine, like an addiction craving for & withdrawling when without it’s love affair. These emotions of mine are all-consuming & once people start to see me for me, they run for cover. There are very, very few people who have ever been able to stick around for long. Unfortunately, for most of the few who have been able to connect with me, I was too young to appreciate the priceless gift that they were in my life. It took me until my late twenties & the meeting of the hubs, to really learn about who I am & how I tick, & to appreciate those I took for granted beforehand. The hubs has been able to look inside of me & see more than the co-dependent, depressed, hot mess most everyone else, including my own parents, see me as. While everyone else leaves me grasping at air when I try to reach out with my emotionally-charged self, to forge a connection that feeds the pit, the hubs actually gave me his hand willingly, allowing that bond to seal our souls together forever. He has proven to have the patience & endurance to withstand the chaotic force that drives me. The hubs has given me the ability to find a renewed confidence in myself & acceptance of who I am.
Without my hubs, I’d probably have plummeted to my death. My life was at it’s absolute lowest point & those I once had connected to, had all cut the ties that fed my soul because I didn’t yet know how to not destroy relationships. I was reaching into dark, open space- desperate, pitiful, & barely standing on my last leg, when he reached out & grabbed a hold with his super strength grip, giving me a crutch to lean on for support. He truly saved me from myself, & has had to do so several times since. He never quits on me, no matter what wind my wild heart has taken flight with. He is the solid ground that greets my feet every time I not so gracefully land on again, time after time. The hubs has always & surely will forever reach out to catch me through the many falls this Hopeless Romantic dares to leap into & I’ll always owe him my gratitude for allowing me to be the glutton for punishment, emotional wreck that I proudly am.