Free Range Food and Preschool: Fly On The Wall December

Welcome to a Fly on the Wall group post. Today 12 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around. This month, we’re going on a field trip. That’s right! I’m taking all you lovely, but angrivated folks on the road. Load up the bus and come along….

It’s off to preschool we go!

Yup. If I was forced to endure our bi-monthly Parent/Child Literacy Day, so will you. I don’t play, you know. Better just sit down, shut up, and enjoy the ride to The World of Four-Year Old’s.


This time the theme was, in the spirit of “The Holidays” (without crossing into religious territory or singling out only one of many winter solstice celebrations from different cultures, coloring nice and neat within the politically-correct lines) was The Gingerbread Man. We’re gonna read the three different versions of this damn story after putting our (pre-made) gingerbread men cookies in the oven, then go on a hunt for them when they weren’t in the oven like they were supposed to be when the stories were through. To the gym, out to the playground, around to the lobby, then into our classroom where they were magically waiting on napkins at the children’s assigned tables. Off with the heads, the arms and the legs…. this was just the beginning of their soon-to-be continued sugar rush.


Next we went into another classroom to cut out and decorate our own gingerbread men. With glitter. And glitter glue. Did I even mention the sparkly confetti like glitter, too? There was some of that shit, too. At this time, I took a moment to myself and chugged the last third of my Starbucks Coffee + Energy drink I wisely stopped at the gas station for on my way. Wait? Y’all didn’t get one while we were there? Shame on you. What kinda newbie preschool parents are you? Guess you’re going into The Glitter without reinforcements. *Psssht* Don’t worry. It’s only fifteen deadly long, painful, seemingly-never-ending minutes. Even worse, they play an animated retelling of one of those Gingerbread Man stories on the white screen just to stick the ear bug deeper in your brain. Run, run, as fast as you can… You can’t catch me I’m the mother fucking Gingerbread Man.


Lastly, they drug us out to some folding tables in the lobby. That Starbucks fuel kicked in full gear just in time, because what is piled on the table but all the fixings for gingerbread houses. If you have OCD, I’m sorry now, but you’re not gonna make it. Better just step away slowly and head back to the bus. Frosting went flying everywhere. Kids were shoving candy into their grubby mouths at ten times the rate it was going onto their frosting covered milk cartons. (The whole Graham Cracker thing is too much for little ones who’s tiny hands are clumsier than a bull in a china shop. This is also an awesome alternative for us Mediocre Mamas who can’t craft, bake, sew, or be creative to save our lives.) The sounds of parents chastising and kids choking on over-stuffed mouthfuls of candy filled the room with a blasphemous melody not unlike our own Christmas Eve chaos at home. It was a great reminder to refill my Valium this weekend. Don’t forget yours!!!


Finally, our time was up! Everyone clambered back into the classroom to gather on the carpet for a round of the goodbye song and receive their very own copy of…..

You guessed it!

The mother fucking douche bag who doesn’t listen for jackshit and has absolutely no respect for my hunger pains, himself. The Gingerbread Man.

Run, run, as fast you can…
But I ain’t getting off my fat ass to catch you, Gingerbread Man
I don’t give a shit if you were even a ginormous Piecaken
I Free Range my food, not chase what I’ve been bakin’.

Now get off my bus and fly on over to someone else’s house. Maybe they’re the type who likes to chase their food before biting off it’s head.


Happy Buzzing everyone! Click on these links for a peek into some other homes:
Baking In A Tornado

Spatulas on Parade

Follow me home

Menopausal Mother

Never Ever Give Up Hope

Someone Else’s Genius

Southern Belle Charm

Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

Go Mama O

Juicebox Confession

Not That Sarah Michelle

By: Kristina Hammer, aka, The Angrivated Mom

9 thoughts on “Free Range Food and Preschool: Fly On The Wall December

    1. LOL! I’m so glad you understood the humor and didn’t just think I’m a crazy bitch mom who isn’t helping shape the future with her positive approach, blah blah blah.

      And lemme say, those Starbucks drinks are my life saver! At least until they build one by me!


  1. My OCD prevents me from buying Gingerbread houses every year, even though the kits look like so much fun! I can just see it all going wrong and my temper ruining the holidays.

    I love your candor! It’s refreshing. And your Gingerbread Man poem. Much better than the original. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m such a high-strung person, most of what I write is full of emotion… But every now and again, I get a tickle in my funny bone and my candor happens and even I get a kick out of myself for a moment. Thank you for the sweet compliments.


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