Sitting in a child-sized chair that is forcing my knees to my chest, I resist the urge to get up and walk out. To run away before anyone notices I’m here. I don’t want to be here. This well put together woman with the strong facial features and a warm, inviting smile, wasn’t about to set me at ease as it appeared by the sympathy she wore on her face. I knew what was coming and it was going to sting worse than a slap to the face.
And it did.
It can never be easy for any parent to hear their child is not doing what they are capable of. To know they are just about failing in school. To find out that they are not even trying a bit. Her face didn’t change as the worst words I have never heard spoken about my kid came tumbling out of her mouth. The there, there everything is just fine look on her face made those words even harder to digest. Surely, everything was not just fine if my son wasn’t doing well in school. Something is wrong here! Very, very wrong.
I don’t know how we got here to this point. Why I am now sitting in this shrunken down seat being patronized for failing in my duties as a mother. I mean… I kinda know how, but not really why. The so-called expert reports say, a love for learning starts in the home. Great readers are made when you make reading a priority from infancy. You lead by example. Your children will come to love what you love. Bullshit. I’m calling bluff on this hooplah, because I wouldn’t be in this brightly lit, child-sized plethora of educational materials and artwork, otherwise. My four kids have owned more books than I have in my entire lifetime, which is a lot because I love to read! My children have been read to consistently since birth. They see both their father and I reading often and learning to do new things through the wonders of the internet. We math in front of them, talk current events, encourage their exploration of nature, mechanics, and mess-making fun. Where did we go oh so wrong then, to have a child who is not only failing school, but one who hates it, too?
Now, I don’t expect the kid to love learning and always want to go to school. I certainly do not expect to raise geniuses who never have difficulty picking up fractions, understanding colloquialisms, or memorizing all fifty states capitol cities. It matters not whether my kid makes it on the honor roll or pulls a straight C- average. As long as he shows up to learn and gives it his all. He has all the tools he needs for success at his disposal, yet he doesn’t use them accordingly. Routines are in place, homework agendas are being strictly monitored, communication lines with his teacher are open, and he has a place to do his schoolwork away from distractions in our home. Our system works well for the other kids in our family; just not him, as I’m finding out now. All I want in this moment is for my son to find his self-confidence and enthusiasm for learning. To stop waging war against the system he still has another eight years left with which he has to stick it out.
He is his own worst enemy, after all, and I can’t help but to think this is all my fault. I know in my heart it is not… But I have to blame somebody, so I blame myself.
Facing the facts of your child having some sort of learning disability or disorder is a hard pill to swallow. When your child’s teacher is telling you, earnestly and sincerely, that he is sabotaging his own self so he cannot absorb anything into his mind, enough must become enough. Action must be taken. There’s no way to deny the transparency of the situation; something is
broken wrong dysfunctional not working right inside my son and it needs to be handled with care. STAT. This is my baby we’re talking about here- no matter if he is ten years old already, or not. Any mother knows exactly what I mean here. They will always be our babies. And my baby has come to hate his schoolwork so much because something isn’t writing right in his brain, that he is destroying the learning process for himself.
We have all kinds of appointments and meetings coming up in order to tackle this problem. My emotions are all over the place, wondering how we’re going to get through this; how I’m going to help my son get his mind on track and find his happy place at school again. I know he has it in himself, because he has proven it in years before now.
Something has changed, though, and I beat myself up for not seeing it coming and doing something about it sooner. For most of the conference, I keep my head bowed, for it is beyond impossible to look this teacher in the eye and say what has pained me so much to admit:
“I’m defeated. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to help the very child I gave life to.”
When I do finally look up, into her eyes, it is after I hear her say to me, “Only a good mother would truly care so much to be as visibly hurt as you are by the situation.” I’m met with the same look as when I came in. The there, there everything is just fine look. Now, though, it is quite comforting. And I understand why. Everything will be just fine in the end. This is isn’t the end of the world, or, even the end of our road. It’s just a fork in the path and the time has come for us to change course. This wonderfully patient and gentle-souled teacher already knew it, before I ever came through the door of her classroom. She had softened the harsh blow into an encouraging push in the right direction for my child and I. We can make this work, no doubt. We can get him right back on track again. My son doesn’t have to be his own worst enemy for a minute longer. We got this! Everything is going to be okay in the end.
As I push my tiny chair back and release myself from its hold on my plump rear, I thank her through the tears in my eyes. She pulls me directly into a hug so warm and comforting. “I know you want to blame yourself,” she says in my ear. “I know you think you’ve failed your son and this is all somehow your fault. But it’s not. And only a great mother would sit here with the tears that tell me so, desperate to break down the situation and fix it in one fall swoop. YOU are that great mother and YOU are the greatest mother your child could ever have to face this situation with. You are amazing. Don’t ever doubt yourself again.”
I can’t promise her I won’t, but I know her words will be there in my heart to set me straight again and again. Because I AM a great mother to one fantastically awesome boy who will have my heart forever. Even if, just temporarily, he is failing school.
By: Kristina Hammer, aka, The Angrivated Mom
8 thoughts on “There, There…Everything Will Be Just Fine: Failing In School And A Teacher’s Love”
Such a small gesture of compassion and understanding went so far. It’s a lesson we can all take from.
Such a great post. I am so thankful that my 3 children have great teachers. No one is placing the blame (teacher or parent) and both are willing to work together. Don’t doubt yourself! You are truly doing the best that you can! I’d like to believe we all are.
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Thank you for the vote of confidence! I believe we are doing the best we can, too. Sometimes the little voices get a bit too loud at times, but there’s always someone to kick my butt to tune them out again.
Everything can be so overwhelming and terrifying when they’re young. We think everything hinges on this one moment. This one moment determines everything. But it doesn’t. And the fact that you’re catching it early and you have a wonderful teacher to work with means you can really turn this around. I worried about my son, too. He struggles in school, but we continue to work on it. It’s a work in progress, but we’ll get there. And I really have to give credit to teachers who care and who take the time to discuss issues with you and who are willing to work with you and your child. It make all the difference.
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Wow. You are SO right in that. The bigger picture is worth more than the individual pieces used to make it. It’s more about finding the pieces that fit. This teacher is absolutely amazing and I can’t be any more grateful to have her on our team. Especially because she works just as well with my son as she does with my guilty conscious! Thank you for reading!
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Wow. I’ve been there. It gets better. I wish my son had the same teacher though. The one I had to deal with was a complete B with an itch.
Such a beautiful post. I have tears in my eyes. I love the strength and confidence you share at the end, knowing that things will be okay, eventually. Raw and uplifting. Thanks for a great message.