Lonely Girl Waiting

Waiting. It is all I ever do anymore. Everything inside of me is at a stand still, wanting for something no longer in my reach. Life has left me far behind and now I am so lost, I can’t find my way by myself. My parents always told me to stand still when I am lost, back when I was a much braver, more courageous young girl full of the beauty that is innocence. Someone will come find me and return me to where I belong. So here I stand. Very still. Wondering if anyone even realizes I am gone at all?

Everything around me keeps swirling on past. Like the plastic shopping bag dancing in and out of lanes of the highway, floating high above each hood and tumbling below the undercarriages of these cars whizzing by furiously. If I dare move a muscle, I am afraid I will be mowed down, splattered, as if I was my favorite childhood game, Frogger, come to life for but a purposeful moment as this. So I wait. Watching as they bustle on without a care given to the girl standing here all alone in the misty morning fog, thickening the air until it makes it hard to breathe. Do they even see me?

It was so hard to keep pace with them. I didn’t mean to drop so far back from the herd. The stampede was deafening and my head was going to explode with agony at any second. I had to close my eyes as they were beginning to bulge from my head like an overripe banana fisted by a two year-old. The fluorescent lights buzzed as they shone blindly into my pupils like the flashlight of a nervously armed security guard. The skin on my neck began to get icy and the hair on my arms began to raise with the goosebumps as lightning bolts of electricity struck my heart. Blood was rushing to every far off crevice in my body, a bursting dam crashing through the floodgates, stirring up the murky waters of my soul. Consumed by the fiery energy in the air, I crumpled to a heap on the dirt, screaming silently for my words have been swallowed whole. How did they not notice?

With the weight of my sins sitting heavily on me, I mustered the strength to stand time and time again. But each time it got harder. My shoes were filling with cement, my clothes were dripping wet, and the ground was just the same as quicksand. I kept stumbling and tripping. Collapsing under the pressure. I reached out my hand, over and over and over, but no one ever grabbed it. It fell with me each and every time, flopping like a pancake dropped on the floor. Desperate to follow in his footsteps, I sacrificed myself. Every time my knees hit the ground, I took out a piece of myself to leave behind, so that my load would get lighter. So I could manage to stand on my own and continue struggling along in their shadows. Dragging my weary body behind them unnoticed; the distance between us growing quickly as the midday sun gigantisized their shadows. My trembling legs give out once more and they were gone out of sight before I even raised my head off the ground. Why would anyone stop to bother with someone like me?

So now I sit here. And I wait. I hold tight. It doesn’t surprise me that they left me behind. He just kept on, racing against the clock to reach the final destination. Unaware… or, just, maybe, fully aware- and grateful for the lessened burden. No amount of ostentatiousness from me would catch his eye. Would signal his heart to open wide and let me in. Would captivate his soul and turn his attention away from the road before him. Though he would be too fascinated by his following still to take heed of my anguished distress over the love I was promised with my head held between his brutal hands. Yet, here I wait. When they couldn’t even wait for me, as the tide waits for the moon to rise across the night sky. Like a cicada waits for mother nature to signal the time has come to rise from its resting place deep within the earth. Patiently, dotingly, assuredly, I wait for my rescue. Will it ever come?

For as long as it takes. Until the world stops turning. Through the changing seasons and hands of time. Here I will stay. I will remain. Watching as life continues passing me by at the speed of light. Wanting him to need me. Needing them to remember me. Remembering them as they have forgotten me. Forgetting who I am as I sit tight and wait. They say good things come to those who wait, after all, and he is the greatest love I have ever known. So here I am. – a lonely girl life left behind in the hustle and bustle, waiting for the love he promised to come and save me. Will the day ever come?

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14 thoughts on “Lonely Girl Waiting

  1. There is a wisdom sometimes in just waiting, lonely as it may be at times, it can be the way of finding the quiet, still place at the center of the cyclone. There is a necessity of rest before again testing our wings in the wind. The rested bird will soar and ride the wild wind again, stronger, or wait for the storm to pass replaced by sun shine and gentle breezes..

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  2. Aw, this is so, so evocatively written. So beautiful, and brimming with sadness like roses brim with dewdrops first thing in the morning, before the colours have really come alive. I so, so hope you’re come back for, and that you get found.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You have made this girls day! Thank you for such a heartfelt comment that touched the shadows of my heart with such shimmering light, I feel warm all over. I’m slowly realizing I might have been found already, just not by who I expected it to be…because of online friends like you!

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      1. I getcha. I so getcha. I’ve been in a similarish place (and believe me, when you wrote about wanting someone to take your hand, I nearly reached mine out, because I so intensely recognised that feeling) and it’s horrendous.

        I don’t know what was worse – the knowledge that the person I thought would rescue me *couldn’t*, or the slow realisation that they never wanted to.

        Friendships, though, made in the trenches of those battlefield days, have lifted and sustained me, and eventually eclipsed the loss. It can happen. I promise.

        I’m glad you’ve been found ❤

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I needed that so much. I don’t think he ever wanted to, I was and am merely a convenience. Can’t wait to see what’s around the bend, because somethings gotta give soon. I know when the time comes, I’ll have many hands to grab hold of. It’s all about teaching myself to want those hands instead, first. You are such a beautiful soul, I’m so glad you found a way to get found again by those who truly love you instead of the one who didn’t.

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      3. It was here – this World Between the Wires – the Blogosphere. I found my People – those ones willing to reach out and take hold and help me haul my sorry ass out of ten kinds of mess. And they’ve stuck with me as I’ve cast off the shell and shadow of that relationship and all the badness that was before, and they’ve nurtured and celebrated the person I’m Becoming.

        This place is INCREDIBLE. I think it’s so good because we get to cherry-pick the people with whom we want to surround ourselves.

        I’m sad you feel like you were a convenience. I was a way to fulfil expectations. But…around the bend…a future just for you…VERY exciting 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Even more exciting because you’re in it! Thank you so much for opening your heart to me. Very few have been here before to know what it feels like and relate to my struggles with letting go and making the decision to just move along. If only the doing was as easy as writing for me. Every day I’m that much closer, though, and the progress inspires me to keep working on myself. One day soon, the sun will shine and I’ll walk my own path. Fuck the shadows. ☺

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  3. This is brilliant. I totally get it . I am someone who has a pile of this angels cards by my bed, horoscopes framed by my iPhone , tiny bits of paper that has been tossed in a hat whenever I have choice to make.

    I am willing to look anywhere (everywhere ) for answers. If an ant walks south-east I will somehow see it as a sign. I do believe that inside us all is an inner compass. I think if I am able to quiet my anxiety… And my need to search for answers outside myself…. That I will be able to see that golden needle move…

    Above my desk , I framed a picture of jellyfish with a note that says ,”keep moving to survive”. Ha! This of course finds me when motherhood has kicked my ass and I find myself wondering what the hell I was thinking starting my own business . Standing still was always safe…

    Every week I go through moments where I have lost momentum . When I have no clue what to do next. When waiting feels like the only option… Suddenly, I get into negative-mindset mode. This I know has the power to distroy magical forces. On a good day , I am able to flee into my office and set my eyes on those jelly fish….”keep moving to survive “. So I do something , anything that is related to the business no matter how awquard it feels. I slap on a coat of nail polish to the little fox that is on my business card. I realize that right now, waiting isn’t an option. Not the kind of waiting I use to do.. If I’m being honest, I can come up with a million things that I wish I could do but can’t . Mainly, because I have a husband… I have a daughter … I have a mortgage …. I have I have I have .

    Sometimes Waiting is all you can do…
    Sometimes it’s the last thing you can do…

    So I just have put on my headphones and dance… That’s usually seems to help. Because at least I’m waiting and moving ( and surviving) all at the same time .

    Thanks for your post… I felt heard.
    I can’t wait to read another .

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg! Someone FINALLY gets it!you are the FIRST to really read into what I was saying. Thank you for reading this and commenting because I feel truly connected to you right now. Everyone thought it was simply a beautiful tale of love, which deep down a glimmer of it is, but the magnitude of my waiting was about so much more than just love.

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  4. Reading new comments on this one I reminded that I had thought to mention one of mine titled “Waiting” posted last December – perhaps similar in some ways and different, based on a journal entry from long ago. I think searching on the title will get you there if you like. I still haven’t learned how to repost on WP.

    Liked by 1 person

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