Heart Burn

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I don’t know what to think anymore

My mind has come unhinged.

Everything is so confusing right now

My heart is burned. Crispy and singed.

I’m crumbling into pieces of dust

Don’t even recognize this face.

You’ve tainted everything about me

Memories glued tightly in place.

Somehow I kept you for this long

Yet you were never even mine.

Just a plaything to be toyed with

Like a fish hooked on your line.

Incapable of loving anything selflessly

Seeking pleasure in obsessions.

I tried to help, tried to heal you

You’re one of life’s cruelest lessons.

Might as well be a stupid kid’s yo-yo

Spinning up and down, up and down.

Broken promises paved by selfish greed

Pushing me under, watching me drown.

Life solely revolves around your desires

Anything to feed your ego’s high.

Selling out everybody along the way

Charming us with sugar-coated lies.

Drugs, alcohol, gambling, exercise, and pills

Sex, shopping, fighting, and vaping.

No limits to the madness, anything is game

It should all be yours for the taking.

How much longer like this can you go

Because, baby, I’m all tapped out

There’s not a flicker of fight left within

My faith replaced with doubt.

Tantrum all you want, screaming and accusing

I took the blame far too long for you.

The anger fueling these obsessions won’t subside

I’m left damaged, abandoned, without a clue.

Your self-destruction is killing me

Bruised and defeated, I lay here weeping

How can someone be this way

Oblivious of their unresolved wounds seeping?

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Faltering Unity

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My faith in your love has faded with the sun, while you keep asking me why

But this isn’t the first time you have heard, this irrefutably heartbroken cry

Around and around in circles we go, treading water that only gets deeper

Casting doubt upon lies you have hidden, under the shadows of a sacred steeple

All the while you keep on rejecting what is true- as if you were actually blind

But losers can only weep in anger, over what us keepers do so honestly find

Nothing has ever been enough, to appease your angry, wild, deviant soul

Hold you steady in place, without absconding from this marital vow parole

A double life of masquerading convenience, motivated by selfish greed

Uncontrollable impulses fueled by unrequited rage, dictating only for your need

The more I try to hold your wounds together, the closer to drowning we come

I fear this wayward obstinance is the death, by you to which I will soon succumb

Helpless I am but you are not, for it is not my burden weighing us down

I’ve done my duty responsibly, upholding the heavy head that dons his crown

My bones are weary, my mind has gone dark, and my battle-worn heart is bleeding

As you wonder there on your throne, “why?”, while deaf ears fail to hear my pleading

Partnerships don’t work this way, you see, a team always functions in mutual unity

This wasn’t what we promised to be, when professing our love with judicial decree

 

 

 

Beginning Motherhood

The first time our eyes met,

My breath held tight,

I wore my heart on my sleeve,

As time took flight.

The evenings ahead were rough,

Daybreak gave no reprieve,

Yet it all felt so magical,

I’d stare at you in utter disbelief.

A creation of my very own,

Innocence ready to mold,

Nothing could’ve ever prepared me,

A fairytale yet untold.

Sleeplessness fueled with pride,

Filling me to the brim,

Squawking cries reverberating,

Soothed by my gentle hymn.

Sour milk breath smelling so sweet,

Nuzzling closer skin to skin,

Wonderment over this tiny miracle

Effervescence illuminating within.

With your arrival, though, time did gain wings,

Passing swiftly with a blink,

Ups and downs, milestones good and bad,

It goes too quick with our lives moving in sync.

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Blogger and Blog: Karen of Baking In A Tornado
Name of Poem: Motherhood
Blogger and Blog: Lydia of Cluttered Genius
Name of Poem: Mother’s Wish
Blogger and Blog: Dawn of Spatulas on Parade
Name of Poem: Motherhood Yo Yo
Blogger and Blog: Sarah of Not That Sarah Michelle
Name of Poem: Mother’s Day Poem: I Love You Mom

A Borderline Kind Of Love

I love you, I hate you,

Please don’t leave me, but could you just go away?

Hold me tight without touching me,

Reach into my soul and heed this clutter in chaotic disarray.

My brain refuses to believe,

My heart is perpetually blinded by denial.

Emotions fight against reason,

Conflictions between the two forever standing trial.

I want you, I need you,

You’re not good enough, but the very best I ever had.

Ask me what’s wrong, shut up already,

Everything is good, I promise, it’s only me that is bad.

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I’m up and I’m down,

Barely room to breath as I bounce around in-between.

Everything is so brutally intense,

This borderline is but a nightmare, not a dream.

Why is it this way, why can’t I change?

How are you here still, my crazy hasn’t sent you packing?

You’re the one, my one and only,

Despite the dysfunctional feelings, the connections I’m lacking.

I love you, I hate you,

I’ll never abandon you, but I’ll beg you to do it to me.

Beautifully broken, divinely defective,

In the end, though you feel like home- warm, safe, and free.

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Images from Pixabay.com

 

Divinely Consecrated Windows

It has always been easy for me to look into the windows of other people’s souls,

See the truths they all hide behind, underneath superficial layers of primped and sculpted flesh.  

The real, the raw, the crux of their essence, and all of which that drives them to be,

My gaze bores past their selected reflections, my senses heighten as our eyes rapidly enmesh.

 

A gifted curse, a cursed blessing; a hellish burden and divine consecration in one,

This empathic sight ostracizes me, like a lonely wallflower slinking into a mooncast shadow.

Detecting fakes with ease just as the Queen can an ugly faux fur, it is hard to play me the fool,

Their performance is so transparent, yet I am amused to witness these egos basking in the afterglow.

 

A bedtime story recited by heart, reading as though the words were printed on their skin,

Secrets of shame, tears laden with guilt, wounds still bloody and bruised, and wickedly burning desires.

People never are as they appear to be, just carefully condensed versions influenced by societal powers,

Trimmed and pruned to fit within the times, Patriarchy sets ablaze to these internalized wildfires.

 

Connections are brutal to forge, cast away by the discomforts of these unintentionally prying eyes,

Sanctioned by my soul to live this hell, punished for knowing more than they know about themselves.

Try as I might, I cannot flip a switch, turn off this hindsight of vision devouring galvanized fortress walls

A magic mirror reflecting their covert traits cloaked in smoke, best left untapped, rotting away on dusty shelves.

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But then you came along, shattering my steely solitude and testing my conjurable craft,

An aberration never encountered before, whose black eyes held mum with unexpected immunity.

Shaken to my jaded core in wonderment, a reprieve from such an isolating mental plague,

Blinded by joy to my own fragile vulnerabilities, relishing the deviancy- carelessly unaware of my lacking impunity.

 

Without foresight to envision what was there lurking, without a soul to whisper your secrets,

I had no way to know, no way to prepare, missing the red flags warning of the danger you imposed.

Caught in the tornado of your game instantly, swirling whirlwinds concealing a love untrue,

Never withstanding a chance, you’re the epitome of everything in life I ever stood up for and opposed.

 

The isolation I had felt no longer existed to me, the dejectional ache welcomed after knowing you,

Cursed as it may be, intuition had protected me from falling victim like prey to self-serving ulterior motives.

Unable to read you, I must shamefully admit that I’ve been forsaken by my own hand,

Letting you in was my biggest mistake, regretfully seeking to quiet those steadily streaming of emotives.

 

A lesson learned, I suppose, to run from those with windowless souls, for they are not in hiding,

There is no mask, no pretending to fit in, no fakeness about the evil seeping from somewhere inside.

You were never my saving grace, never meant to rescue me from the hell of my own creation,

This burden of divine consecration was fated to be my armor, with purpose as strong as the changing tide.

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Playing With Lady Luck

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Karma is a bitch they say, as Lady Luck rolls her cursed die.

Chasing after rainbows while freezing rains pour out from the sky.

The odds are slim and the risk is high, but, still, you go all in,

Neverminding the price to pay for the cost of your eternal sin.

The deck has been stacked with those cards counted in vain,

This gamble of pleasure won’t pay out, causing you even greater pain.

A spin of the wheel, a pull of the lever, chips toppling across the table,

Anything to prove life can have the happy ending read in childhood fables.

The longing for a winning streak, a jackpot hit with shrill bells that ring,

Anything at all you’ll take in greed, just for once your supper you won’t have to sing.

The stars above in the heavens you bastardly curse have a much different plan,

For it takes far more than just good luck to beat the house’s winning hand.

Try as one may, gambling will never set anyone free,

Owning your soul, taking you hostage, forcing you to beg on bended knee.

The easy way out doesn’t exist, Lady Luck played you for a simple fool,

She rules with an iron fist, turning every player who challenges, into her mule.

Beaten and bruised with your ego checked at the gilded door,

Tell me how it feels now, to be crawling across the dirty, bloodstained floor.

Just one more roll, one more hand, one more bet placed in dying despair,

That’s all that you have left, for you abandoned life without a single care.

Wanting the high life you do covet landed you in the lowest depths of Lady Luck’s hell,

Chancing the burn of Karma bleeding you dry, your greed left you with nothing to show and tell.
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Welcome to the March Monthly Poetry Challenge! Our theme was: LUCK

Blogger and Blog: Karen of Baking In A Tornado
Name of Poem: Luck Gone Amuck
Blogger and Blog: Diane of On the Border
Name of Poem: (Bad) Luck of the Irish
Blogger and Blog: Dawn of Spatulas On Parade
Name of Poem: The Meaning of Luck
Blogger and Blog: Jules of The Bergham Chronicles
Name of Poem: Luck of the Draw
Link: http://berghamchronicles.blogspot.com/…/luck-of-draw…

 

An Expendable Pleasure

 

Like dirty dishwater flowing down the sink drain,

The love you felt for me has gone away.

Shadows linger where your light used to reside,

Storm clouds brim with all the tears I’ve cried.

This fairy-tale we wrote never actually existed,

A phantasmal love which my desperation should’ve resisted.

Icy winds now flow chillingly from your stare,

Seething with rage aimed at my heart’s despair.

Disgust and contempt replaced the warmth of your touch,

My lungs deflated by this wayward sucker punch.

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photo credit: Pixabay.com

Fraudulently, intentions were only meant for the moment,

Not thinking beyond this needed whirlwind elopement.

Hatred hides beneath your words laced with charm,

Promising all the right things to convince me there’s no harm.

With your mask conceded, an escape plan went into play,

Too cowardly to admit you would never want to stay.

Hope was resting on the trump card’s revelation,

Using against me the secrets of my sought after salvation,

Yet my heart keeps fighting this, denying the blatant truth,

This requiem of a dream I dreamt in my evanescent youth.

Could this really have been just a nightmare come true?

Fingers crossed behind your back when we both said, “I do,”?

 

Influenced Insanity

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It’s hard to love yourself when no one ever wants to stay,

When family and friends are easy to forget you even have a name.

It’s hard to love your life, graciously gifted without wanting,

When family and friends taunt you with so many reasons to feel ashamed.

 

It’s a challenge to accept yourself the deplorable way you were forged,

When family and friends beg mercilessly for everything about you to be changed.

It’s a challenge to accept the fate written for you by the stars,

When family and friends make it clear that you are delusionally deranged.

 

It’s a struggle to be brave and face each day with hopeful optimism,

When family and friends are brazenly pessimistic about your valueless worth.

It’s a struggle to be brave and face each day through the agony plaguing your mind,

When family and friends don’t see a purpose in you being here on this earth.

 

It’s painful to watch all the others get by, conquer and succeed,

When family and friends make it seem so damn fucking easy.

It’s painful to watch knowing you’re broke and will never truly belong,

When family and friends scorn you relentlessly for being so wretched and sleazy.

 

It’s incomprehensible to think about what life could really be like,

When family and friends see only your diagnosed mental health disease.

It’s incomprehensible to think about how deserving you are of love from yourself and them,

When family and friends wish you would be anything but yourself to appease.

 

It’s difficult to fight and break free from the suffocating mold of normalcy,

When family and friends have chained you to a box of over-value.d conformity.

It’s difficult to fight and break free from their unrelenting pressures to convert,

When family and friends refuse to accept that you’re more than just an aberrational deformity.

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Now that you’ve read mine, come check out these other amazing blogger’s poetry for our February Poetry Challenge- Family and Friends!

Blogger and Blog: Karen of Baking In A Tornado
Name of Poem: Hugs and Kisses
Blogger and Blog: Diane of On the Border
Name of Poem: Toast
Blogger and Blog: Dawn of Spatulas On Parade
Name of Poem: Friends and Family “How I love ya”
Blogger and Blog: Lydia of Cluttered Genius
Name of Poem: Friends are family