I’ll Admit Nothing

When I first saw the prompt for today’s Confession, I’ll admit, I was very intimidated. Scared. Overwhelmed & anxious. Admittance of anything personal has always been something I’m not very good with.

I’m a very fluid, flowing, pliable person. To admit something, especially about myself, is to make it concrete, fixed in time as a factual statement, reflected of one’s character & state of being. For an already emotionally-charged person who can feel all the feels, sympathize without persuasion, & empathise with everyone, an admittal becomes like a direct attack against my very sacred, inner-most core, forcing a questioning, a self-doubting, of the foundation of who I am. From the belief system I follow as a path in life, to the values I envelop into my every thought, choice, & action. To the voice that leads me down that path, in the core of my heart, to the center of my soul where I find my purpose in life, predestined by fate. I don’t like having to admit anything. I don’t like feeling vulnerable & exposed. I’ll tell you things on my own terms, when I’m ready, when I’m capable. 

My faults & failures, my secrets & lies, will never stay hidden or buried. Nothing does, in a world full of witnesses these days.
It’s draining enough to get through life with all the feels about everything, constantly shifting to be the person I need to be for each person in it, being the sympathizer, the empathizer, the friend they need me to be. Having to bare my insides to someone, opening up fresh wounds in scarred & tender flesh in the admittance of something personal, shakes me up & rattles me to my core.

Don’t back me in a corner, force me to say the words you need to hear more than me or make up my mind before I’m ready to choose. Everything bubbles to the surface eventually, shows it’s face, somehow, someway. Karma, luck, destiny, or as I, lovingly refer to it as, The Curse of My Life, it’ll all be there to help me admit all I need to, when I need to, & nothing more. I hate it, but it is how I’m made, the way I was designed, a blessed cursed that I’ll be chained to until the day I die.

Sunday Confessions- Admit

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