There are a few things in my life that can comfort me when I’m in need of comforting. Not many. I’m such a beautiful disaster of emotions, that the average comforts others find in food, friends, or just a hug, aren’t enough for me. When I’m feeling anything but stable, it takes something with a powerful connection to my soul to bring me peace. And the two things that can do that for me, are my favorite things.
My grandmother, Pauline, is the definition of warmth, love, safety, and home to me. My soul is connected to hers with a bond that’s unique of every other relationship I’ve had in my lifetime. She’s the only person I have ever truly held up on a pedestal, above everyone else in the universe. Her passing away almost eighteen months ago has left an emptiness in my soul, a constant aching to physically feel her and the calming presence she was for me, which made her my favorite person in the world. I spend most of my alone time, which is extremely rare and valuable, reliving memories I have of her, trying to hold tight to times long past. Constantly, I’m seeking her presence around me as spirit, letting me know she’s still with me, and searching for signs of her passed down through genetics to my children by a trait or characteristic typical of her. In a way, it’s soothing for me to do that with my time. I often wish that if only I was a full sensitive, able to feel her around me still…. but that’s another piece of my crazy for another day.
My grandmother always had open arms for anyone in need, and an open house if needed, too. She was like a compass for lost souls to set them straight on their own two feet back down the right path. When I found myself lost as a teenager, she took extra special care to set me on my way again, as she does, back down the straight and narrow. After a few more bumps in the road I finally figured out how to stay on course, all thanks to her wisdom. Living up to the legacy Grandma Pauline set forth in her death is the hardest task I’ve ever undertaken. A woman who survives a gas chamber during her early childhood in a concentration camp, then goes on to live a life without handicap, full of love and compassion despite her own deep scars, is one of miraculous wonderment. She’s a saint in my book. I’m proud to say that she’s MY grandmother. So much so, that I even passed on her name to my oldest daughter by her middle name, making her my most favorite named child. (Just don’t tell the other three kids, mmmkay?)
When I’m in need comfort to the touch, I turn to something that’s been with me just a few months shy of my entire lifetime…. My Silky. That name might sound familiar to those who follow my Facebook page because it’s the name of Bean’s lovie/BLANKIE/thingy. That’s right. They’re one in the same. And my most prized possession, my favorite thing to hold (besides my kiddos). Bean has a replica of my own lovie/blankie from childhood, as I do (still to this day), too, because the real one was lost long ago. The original was actually a ladies dress slip, the kind worn under early ’80’s polyester and shoulder-padded to high heaven house dresses or dress suits. My mother found them easy to wear for nursing me, since this was long before the pregnancy and nursing mother equality movement in clothing apparel. The thin, sleek fabric that gets icy cold to the touch from rustling around, became a familiar fabric to my tiny little hands as they kneaded and rubbed and patted the satisfiers of my hunger; as all nursing infants do to keep the milk flowing. This slip became my lovie, dragged around as I grew from baby to toddler to preschooler. It became my lifeline when my parents divorced and my mother moved out, leaving me with my father. That connection cemented in my brain’s gray matter and locked in Silky as the only acceptable alternative to the comforts normally provided by one’s mama. Silky stayed in my bed with me until long after high school, only putting it away when I moved in with my first serious relationship.
When Bean was just an infant, I was under a great deal of stress in my personal life, so I drug Silky out from storage and began using it’s tried and true methods to center myself because my milk flow was being affected by my inner chaos. Needing that cloth like a stress-ball while my daughter suckled helped us both relax into our special time together, finding peace amidst the turbulence surrounding us. It wasn’t long before her tiny, precious hands sought out the material that calmed her momma and began playing with it as she nursed just the same. These are some of my most favorite memories now. Before I knew it, or was ready, Bean weaned herself, giving me up for the deliciousness of table foods, yet she clung onto Silky, refusing to give me back that piece of my own childhood. Thankfully, we were co-sleeping partners, so I could still get my fix at night. Alas, like all lovies do at some point, Silky went missing one day when Bean was about 3. Never to be seen again. Thirty department stores later, I was unsuccessful in finding any modern undergarment-lingerie material that was even close to feeling like that of Silky, no thanks to the invention of Spanx. So I went to a fabric store and explained my dilemma. That lady thought I was CRAZY!!!! In the end, I was able to find a close, but no cigar, version in a material designed for bathing suit lining. Now we each have our own Silky’s and there’s a yard of extra material in the closet, just in case. And yes, I’m not above sleeping with my silky in my grown-up marital bed….My hubs would rather not lose his sexy time by complaining.
Now you know about two of my most favorite things out of my whole lifetime on this earth. Probably think I’m more insane than ever for it, too! That’s alright, because I know what you are, so what am I? Lol. Sorry. Couldn’t help myself there, after all the reminiscing I’ve done this morning. PeeWee Herman was my favorite show to watch with my Grandma, way back when. After we were done playing Dimestore Poker for keeps. Anyways, I’m curious to know, what are some of your favorite things in life that comfort you when you’re in need? Head on over to my Facebook page and tell me! Then, head over to More Than Cheese and Beer and tell her what your favorite things are, too, because she’s to thank for this contribution to Sunday Confessions! Today’s topic was Favorite.